Feedback on my short


#1

Hello everyone. This is Charlie down in Miami. While I am waiting for this storm to hit us I have a treat for you… my latest film!

Suniland Inn


#2

This is the only thing over ten minutes on this site I didn’t have to force myself to finish. Great job on that alone.

This was an interesting mix of creative and cliche, and close but not close enough. I’ll elaborate without going into excruciating detail, because pointing out every slightly out of focus shot or weirdly lit scene isn’t useful feedback.

First and biggest thing that held so many moments and the project as a whole back was sound. The dialogue sounded okay on its own, even if it sounded a little too close for the wides (almost ASMR-sounding). The problem lies within the soundscape and mixing. In the hotel when she was talking to Wolfgang I would have added some reverb and lowered it a bit, it sounded as if she was right next to him, when he’s in the room alone the TV sound needs reverb and you need more SFX of him moving around and to up his dialogue. Little things like that.

The musical sequences.
I’m a sucker for these, especially when they’re not the cheesy white dude indie music sequences where someone’s crying. You had a good array of music I would just note that you could have mixed the music a bit so the scene seemed fuller, playing with dynamics processing in audition might do the trick. Specifically for the first bondage sex scene. The Luck of Lucien sequence was alright, I feel like it definitely overstayed its welcome. Not only was there room for more cuts, but I feel like it was the most basic sequence in the entire film in terms of composition. However, I never expected in a million years anyone on this site would know the slightest thing about rap music, so I’ll let that slide cause that was a surprise song choice.

Story.
So there were definitely a bunch of cliches, but storytelling isn’t about reinventing the wheel, you can use cliches in interesting and creative ways to make your own thing; and you definitely did. My main issue is, despite the snippets of creativity, it ultimately ends up being more of the same. The main character’s monologues are super self-indulgent and self-serving, and the story ends up saying “I need you to be happy and to live”.You didn’t give him exactly what he wanted, which was the girl (thank god), but you didn’t give him what he needed either. It might’ve been interesting to explore his delusion, break his world down around him, some self-realization. I thought of something. Having him go into the room with that gun he took while she’s fucking that creepy guy, he barges in there asking why she doesn’t want him, holding them both at gun-point. The guy there is the one that sort of breaks it down “You really think she wants you, dude? What the fuck is wrong with you” followed by something from her, maybe along the lines of “You make everything about you”. I think his real catharsis lies within that realm, not killing himself. He needed to realize that its not just the world around him that’s shitty or the people who don’t want to hang around him, but its him who is also kind of shitty for making everything about himself, because that’s what I’m seeing. A guy that doesn’t want to put in the work to change and wants people to feel bad for him. This woman opened up to him and he’s still worried about how he can’t get it in. (also him killing himself perpetuates the whole “women are trophies and if you don’t get one you’re a loser” stereotype we see in films like this). I can’t help but feel this film would’ve been more interesting with her as more of a lead.

Things I really dug
Your opening shot was a pretty strong one, I liked the musical sequences even if they did drag a bit, cast was perfect for this story, I liked 65-75% of your shot choices.

Despite the problems I’m talking about it still takes a hell of a lot of work to put something like this together this competently. I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing something else from you. Hope this helped.


#3

Forgive me if I’m overly critical, I’d like to first say that I’ve never done anything as good as you did in the first five minutes of this. I watched about 10 minutes in total.

  1. That wide shot by the pool. I feel like the actors could have been framed up a bit better, maybe move the camera back further and zoom in? Maybe you could have cut in closer as the scene progressed?

  2. I feel like there could have been some more cuts while she is at the mirror. Your framing was good and I liked that I could see her and tell what she was doing.

  3. The acting is great for the most part! Very convincing and I’ve enjoyed the writing. .

  4. At around 8:30 when he’s pacing in front of the bed, I think you could have cut in closer.

  5. When your main character was trying to suffocate himself, I feel like you could have added in some sound like being under water that gradually faded in as he struggled to breathe. I hope you get what I mean. Think of a flash bang in Call of Duty except instead of a high pitched wine it’s a low drone.

I feel like your main issue was coverage, there were too many shots that just hung there and I got “bored”.

I loved the shot at 17:29

Also I LOVED the title cards at the beginning.

Keep it up dude!

One last thing I’ll reiterate, COVERAGE!

Like @malterwartin said, I liked your shot choices and your story while having cliches was good.


#4

Hi again,
Thanks for taking the time to watch my film and for your personal suggestions on how to make the movie more to your liking. I appreciate it. I am now in New York looking for my next inspiration and project. I wish you all luck in your endeavors.

Regards
-Charlie