How well have I improved my screenwriting skills? Please critique this one


#1

Hello RocketJump-Community,

I already opened a discussion about my screenwriting skills. But I improve them a lot. So, please, critique this little script I wrote today. And you should know one thing: I wrote this “script” very quickly.
However, I want to know if I wrote it right or there are little mistakes. Which things should I avoid? etc.

Bye,
Beehoney1

P.S.: I forgot a “you” by “I thought go shoppping”. sorry.

Yeah, I mean this one:


Find a good name for a place without break copyright. How can I do that?
#2

So, the formatting is good, and it’s a nice little snippet of life, perfectly believable and human.

Your English is a bit all over the place though, I can see that because I also have that problem, not being a native speaker and such :smiley: I learned the most from movies, shows, books, and games, so those can be used to widen your sense and knowledge of the language even if you Are a native speaker.

I personally don’t think anybody would say “smartphone” over simply “phone” when just casually talking to a roommate unless you specifically own two phones, a simpler one and a smartphone, so I would immediately think the other phone will have some significance in the story (Chekhov’s gun and all that). But not like it’s something big, and I might be wrong as I’m not a figure of absolute knowledge on mobile phone related talk :smiley:


#3

@SzPeti42 So, so, so much thank you! Yeah. I learned my English skills through those things too.
By the way, in Germany we often say—specially teens—“smartphone”. That’s the reason why. But thanks for this tip.


#4

Have you tried writing in german? You could learn a lot from writing for local filmmakers, your writing will improve tremendously from actually writing for things that are being made. You’ll get a much better sense of what information you need to convey, what is natural in dialogue and how characters are motivated and how you can show that. All things you can then apply in writing english.

Tschüss.


#5

@Jasper_Cloud The bad, big problem of the German market is either you got “movies” from the two biggest TV channels (ARD; ZDF) — They are really bad! — or you got antisocial TV.
The American market is better and bigger.
In the cinema maybe are German movies (e.g. Rubinrot (eng. Rubyred)) from the biggest studio. But those aren’t really made in Germany.


#6

Generally speaking, it’s almost always best to write in your native language first - that way you have the most quick and natural expression of your ideas - and you can focus on all the real important stuff like narrative, character, etc. - and then translation can happen later.

For example, I worked on a Japanese language film that was directed and co-written by a Japanese, but the script was actually written in English first - because the other co-writer spoke English only, and the Japanese director was bilingual. It let them get all the story work done in the most efficient language, and then the director translated it afterwards. The gap between English and Japanese is larger since Japanese doesn’t share any Western idiomatic background (not to mention Japanese screenplay formatting is quite different), but it still worked! :stuck_out_tongue:


#7

I didn’t mean writing for the big studios, I mean for young creators, film students, aspiring content creators in your area. You’re aiming too high to get started. You have to start small and work your way up to the big stuff. And if they are so bad, then maybe in a couple of years you can help solve that


#8

It’s a good start i would add a little more story ask questions like what type of person is Danny? What kind of person is ivy? How do they know each other there’s a story but I would expand.