My second ever screenplay!


#1

Hi, whoever is reading this! Recently I was extremely fortunate to be accepted into an art school that had a film department! While I have been hard at work with my studies, one of my first projects was on a screenplay for a short film. I utilized problem solution as my means of telling the story and tried to make the plot as clear as possible. I also included a LogLine. As always I’m very open to any comments, critiques, or constructive criticism. To make this the best screenplay as I can. I linked it below. Once again, thanks a bunch!
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ZjqZGJTh3RlTvU4iR1lgbeiTFo4zqx6d
How on earth do you add PDFs :smiley: lol
Epicrao


#2

Overall, excellent screenplay. I would recommend a few changes:

  1. It would have a lot of dramatic effect if Jamal and Andre were brothers. You could still track mainly Jamal’s struggle through the script, but during the final dialogue between them, you could show how they deal with the same exact problem differently. Andre has learned to move on and enjoy life, and Jamal has to learn this as well. This isn’t by any means necessary, but I thought it would be a nice touch.

  2. On page 3, Jamal seemingly transitions from sad, solemn reflection on his father to excited anticipation for the game. This came all of a sudden, so I think a smoother transition would be great for expressing the theme. For instance, as he looks at the trophies, he could hear the crowds, the game, and the announcer calling his father’s name as he scores. And then, perhaps he could hear his father say a line similar to Andre’s line at the end, "I remember what my dad did for me as a person . . . " That would be a nice way to connect Andre’s love for his father with his love for basketball, using the theme, giving that scene a lot more impact and letting it run smoothly.

  3. When Jamal gets detention, it’s for something kind of random. I would recommend making his mistake directly related to his character flaw, an unwillingness to accept of his father’s death and learn to love others. That might be a little difficult to come up with, but just keep that in mind.

  4. The idea of a montage of the game is great, and I think should stay. However, this is a great place to truly show that Jamal has accepted his father’s death, instead of just telling it through the dialogue. Since the theme is letting go of his father’s death, and understanding and repeating his legacy of loving others, perhaps after they finish celebrating their victory, he signs his father’s basketball and gives it to a kid in the audience. You had a nice moment at the end, where he puts it back on the shelf, but I personally don’t think that fits the theme of spreading his father’s love toward others. It’s up to you, but I think an act like the one I mentioned would give the theme a lot more impact.

  5. Minor detail: When Andre goes to pick up the ball on the floor, the ball on the shelf falls of for no reason. Maybe he should pick up the ball, stand up and hit his head on the shelf, knocking the ball off. Just a minor detail.

Really though, it’s a great screenplay. You have a pretty solid character arc, and a nice theme.