Okay, I wanted to leave some comments.
@Spica and @Exquisite_Corpse - I appreciate your feedback on DOTV so much, and you’re both absolutely right on its length. There was some totally rudderless direction at the beginning, and I’m really glad I made that rookie mistake, especially within the confines of this forum. And Lucas, I’m glad that you mentioned the reason for not including the CUT TO - you said in one sentence what took me a paragraph to write on an earlier post.
So, due to the screenplay’s length, and the fact that I really want to be able to finish this project so I can start working on the next one - I’m probably going to end up writing Down in the Valley as more like a really long first act. So it’s not going to be as expansive as I thought, and the story probably won’t take place outside of the bunker perimeter at all, but at least it will have a beginning, middle, and end. Also, I’ve realized I have to start hauling a$$ on this piece, or I’ll be writing it until the end of September. So, I’m to start finish more pages, and I’m giving myself a deadline of a month to finish it. This is a goal that will keep me on track without placing too much pressure on me to get it done. We’ll see what happens, but expect more pages to be submitted during the week.
Thank you both for your consistent feedback - it’s super motivating and helpful.
@Exquisite_Corpse on Paladin - damn, what an ending! Myrin getting sucked into the ground was like O.O. Also, I think the pacing of the scene was the best that I’ve seen you write for an action scene thus far. And I liked the ending - Myrin and Dija ride off into the sunset, so to speak. I especially liked how you reintroduced the explanation of Myrin’s background.
“Maybe people just do something for some reason one day. They look up, and that’s who they are.” – That line really got me on an emotional level, and it was such a simple, beautifully succinct way of explaining her origins, and how she ended up as the person seen in the story. Good job.
Again, congratulations on writing a full screenplay, well-bloody done. To promote your screenplay (and this thread), I would suggest editing the first entry of this thread to reflect that yes, a full screenplay has come out of this forum (we’re legit business here!). Also, I’d suggest creating your own thread asking for feedback on Paladin if you’re looking for additional critiques outside of what’s been said on this forum.
I’m really glad you stuck with the Yeshiva Gangster concept. I liked the opening, and the set up of the conflict with Avi and Sarah (establish that we are hearing the voicemail through Sarah’s phone call, not at Avi’s place, as she calls Avi on a cell phone, so we wouldn’t be hearing the voicemail pick up).
Okay, so this is probably going to sound really irritating - the one thing I didn’t like about these seven pages was the interaction between Mel and Kallie. It sounded a little flat, like there was conspicuous effort to make them sound from the wrong side of the tracks. There’s a difference between the girls trying to come off as something they’re not, and trying to make the girls seem like something they’re not.
In the previous scenes, the characters’ immediate situations affect their current state of mind, right. Monster and Rabbi are scared shitless, demanding, terrified, and angry during the robbery. Sarah is pissed off at the distance her brother has put between the family when she calls, which affects her demeanor. Maybe the interaction between Kallie and Mel would be strong if you give a context for what they are doing there, and how it affects them. How does Kallie feel about being at the funeral? How does Kallie feel that Mel is out there with her? Revealing these factors would provide information for the audience to connect with your characters. Just a thought.
I also wanted to add that I liked the character descriptions in your piece - they’re specific to the character while revealing your unique voice as a writer.