RJFS Writer's group!


Read the script too!
I think too that you may have too much elements that could be used as stretched out acts, like the time in jail. But we don’t know in what direction you’re exactly doing so it’s just some point of view.
On the two last page you don’t give much informations and I felt more like reading an outline than a screenplay, it would be hell for a director to leave the blanks here.

Beside those points it was great, keep it up.


@PianolasonMars I made a topic to share some of my creations, I posted something and I’ll translate stuffs for it soon.


Been pretty quiet here lately.

Just wanted to let you know that I finally started working on a first feature film script. I’m not going really fast but I try to write at least one scene per day. I’m writing in French so I won’t post it until I’ve finished a first draft and took enough time to translate it properly.
At that rate I probably won’t post it before months but at least I have something coming!



Aaand… I just fell back in love with this GIF.


Shh, you’re putting pressure on me :slight_smile:


Lucas, I am so fricking excited to read your screenplay, whenever you feel like posting. I can’t wait.

Did I mention “Afternoon Barbecue” has been stuck in my head on and off the past week?

I will have more pages on Friday as well. See you then.


Greetings everyone. My name is RJ. I’m glad to find an active writing/screenwriting group I’ve been looking to network with other writers, for someone who needs help with their scripts, people who would possible like to collaborate or swap scripts or even just read some of my scripts and give feedback. I’ve study screenwriting for a long time, since the early 2000’s. I’ve only finally decided to take it seriously and commit to making things happen the past two years. I’ve really found my voice and hit my stride, writing 15 scripts in various genres in that time period with others currently in progress.

A comedy script I wrote called Unfollow, satirizing Social Media, Hollywood and screenwriting was a Quarterfinalists in the Nicholl’s fellowship. Now I’m tightening up other features and pilots I’ve written, networking and looking to partner up to get more projects in my portfolio. I just completed my first partnership/collaboration with someone on reddit who asked me to help him with his story and that worked out great. I have several pilots and features. Mainly comedies but also some sc-fi, a few horror, an action feature and drama pilot inspired by True events. And am constantly working on new material. If anyone wants to swap scripts whether it’s features or TV pilots(half hour or hour) I’ve some of each, I’d gladly read anything you have in return of similar length.


If anyone wants to look over any of the drafts of these scripts to give me some feedback/thoughts I’d love it. I’d return the favor

Unfollow (97pgs) (Comedy) A Hollywood extra becomes a worldwide phenomenon after he accidentally unfollows the worlds most famous actress on twitter.

Virus (54pgs) (Acid Sci-fi/Comedy/thriller TV pilot)It’s the year 3000 the universe has been colonized and commercialized, religion has been abolished and Aliens have revealed themselves. A drug addicted hitman wakes up with virtually no memory and a list of people he’s taken on contracts to kill. Very adult and would be high budget so I’m saying it’s animation.

All Access; Raspberry, WV. (28 pgs)(Mockumentary TV pilot) A documentary crew follows the lives of Liberals and Conservatives and the Public access channel they are involved with, in a tiny West Virginia town.
This is the first concept I really felt could be something. inspired by the Office before there was Parks and Rec. during the W presidency. I scrapped it after Parks and Rec came out a little disappointed because there are some similarities and show was so great. My intent was playfully satirize both sides of the political aisle and how divided things were during the Bush years. Things are even more divided now so I took it back out and updated it.

Hellbent (90pgs) (Action, Horror) The top female NCAA athlete becomes the target of a deranged young man with Supernatural powers. My attempt at an Action movie with a female lead.

Lessons in Capitalism (94 pgs (Comedy) After a down on his luck Janitor overhears the owner of his Companies plans to rip-off it’s employees he must team-up with the CEO, the owners son to stop him. I partnered with a talented novice writer on Reddit

Good People (64pgs) (Crime, Drama TV pilot). A Man returns home a changed person 10 years after being the center of a crime ring that he got away with but local Law enforcement are buying it.

If anyone wants to check any of these out let me know. I’ll give good feedback on anything you have in return. I’ve also written a few shorts. Currently finishing up drafts of a Sci-fi horror set on Lunar colony, a Black Mirror spec, another sci-fi/comedy/thriller and a animated sitcom pilot in revolving around unicorns. And I have other stuff in the early stages. I’m always down to chat, exchange feedback, give/receive advice, etc.


I know right! It does that.



Apologies for the hiatus. Here’s the next screenplay in progress. I’m planning for a minimum goal of five pages a week, but I’m hoping to write more this time.

Read the first fifteen pages here

@rljon Welcome to the forum! It has been quiet around here lately, but I’m hoping the pace will turn around again soon. @Exquisite_Corpse, @Spica , and I have pretty much been exchanging feedback since the beginning. You’re more than welcome to post your screenplays here, and/or on a new thread if you want more people to see it.

Personally, I’d be interested in Unfollow and Lessons in Capitalism. You can private message those to me on my account if you want.



Cool, PM sent. Thanks for the welcome. Look forward to swapping scripts, feedback, thoughts, advice, etc with anyone and everyone here.


@PianolasonMars I think that’s a really good 15 pages. I PM’d you my feedback.


I’m two weeks late but I finally read the beginning of The Sheriff.
I think you started with a good setting and interesting characters.

Though there’s a few “problems” I noticed:
At a moment you call a character HUNGRY COWBOY bur just after he’s called Jeff by someone. I think you can describe him as JEFF, it would be clearer.
There’s another action line where you wrote Her family owns the hotel. That kind of backstory doesn’t really add to the script, if you can’t see it on screen then it shouldn’t be written. If it’s important later then write it in such way it’ll be clear for the viewer.


Lucas, I appreciate the feedback! Thank you so much!

And you are absolutely right on your comments – I will fix both of these.

Expect more pages from me this week. Hope you’re doing well! How is school going?

Thank you again,


School’s okay, I’m not that interested and it takes way too much of my time but it’s bearable.
I still try to take some time to write every week.


Awesome, dude. Keep at it if you enjoy doing it.


Still writing. Next 15 pages here.


I was starting to think your story was an unoriginal western movie but from the Patrick’s scene I really started to get into it. I think the setting, some of the characters and the case John is working on may make it really good.

About the script in itself I’ve again spotted some details that seem useless, like the They do this every week (don’t remember the page, sr). I think that if you can’t see it on screen then you shouldn’t write it. To me it seemed like a waste of line.
Also at the end of page 24 you wrote movies instead of moves. I think there are a few more small errors like that but it’s not really problematic.

Hope you’re having a good week, and sorry for being so long before posting feedback



Thank you for your comments! I’m glad you like the story. We’ll see what happens.

With regards not writing it if you can’t see it on the screen, I agree. However, if a line affects an actor’s performance, and it’s a crucial detail, I normally put it in. You can see an actor’s performance on the screen, and sometimes writing about things like atmosphere can help convey a visual image, even though you may be setting the mood or tone rather than specifically referring to anything visual.

With regards to what I said about crucial details, I am still struggling to differentiate between what is crucial and what isn’t. I’ll hopefully get better at that.

Any feedback is always appreciated. Thank you for reading! I hope you’ve been doing well!


Greetings. Okay, so here’s another ten pages of “The Sheriff.” More to come this week.

Also attaching the screenplay I wrote for the 48 hour competition as proof to myself I haven’t been completely slacking.

Most of what I wrote for the 48 hour ended up being cut, including much of Nate’s philosophical diatribes. After the screening on the 12th, I’ll be able to determine how truly necessary they were to the film. I used to think that touching upon themes of the story was necessary and gave it depth, but if our submitted film still works after cutting all that, I won’t be so sure.