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#266

First SORRY, again I’m super late. It sure suck to post your writing only to feel like nobody’s paying attention.
Still I read the new pages of Sheriff and your other script.

About Sheriff I feel like you’re going in the right direction with it. The writing is good. I can’t say much about the plot in its whole as I only have a part of the story but I’m interested in reading what’ll happen next.
The 48 hours script was pretty good too, but I honestly can’t imagine producing it in 48 hours. How did it go?


#267

The 48 hour script was an interesting read. I really enjoyed the dialog, especially in the early scene when Cal cooks for Jack.

If I had a minor nit pick it’s that Jacks plan hinges on Cal inviting him over for dinner. I assume if Cal hadn’t, Jack would have done it another time, but its a slight bother to me that he plans his potential murder over a coincidence. Also Cal’s motivations when he reveals himself seem to be conflicted. If he wasn’t planning living through the night why did he bother to reveal himself. If it was to get rid of the evidence that Jack had, then that implies that he wants to live through the night, otherwise he was kind of scot free with Jack after his speech.

Aside from that interesting read overall. Hope to see more from you.


#268

@Spica Dude, it means a lot that you’re reading my work to begin with. You have no obligation to do so, and you still do it anyway. I appreciate that.
Just so you know, we had to cut a lot of dialogue during filming for the 48 hour, and the movie still ended up being 16 minutes long. We had to get it to seven minutes in order to qualify for competition, and my editor and I spent some incredibly stressful final hours of the competition, slicing and dicing our footage until we got the film within the required time. I hope you’re doing well and that things are going well for you in school.
@secheung Hey, thanks so much for reading my screenplay! I appreciate your feedback. Although I only had about four hours to write this in order to keep pace within the 48 hour competition, I did create some plotholes for myself that were hard to justify later. I had to work with my actors to create a backstory for your first point, as I did not write it in the screenplay. On the second point, I believe Cal says that he has no intention of letting Jack leave the house alive, not himself – at the very least, the actor playing Cal said the correct line in the movie, which made sense.
If you screenwrite and want to post any of your work, this is the place on Rocketjump!
Thanks again for reading, I appreciate it.

Also, believe it or not, I’m still working on my Sherriff screenplay (a screenwriter’s got to write, right?). Not sure where I was before, but here are new pages. To me, these at least are a record of the fact that I am still writing, which is good.


#269

I feel like it’s illegitimate to talk about your plot as I don’t have the full picture yet, and reading 10 pages every two weeks may give me inacurrate feelings. But you’re almost at 60 pages (~one hour!) so I guess it’s okay.

The story continues, and it’s interesting. But it’s not captivating. I think it lacks of something, I can’t find what yet.
Maybe it lacks of stakes.
Maybe the plot is too classic.
Maybe everything is too slow.
I can’t really put my finger on it.
But ultimately it’s interesting, so I’ll read until you end your story, so I can read the whole thing again and share more accurate impressions.


#270

Hey Lucas, I want to thank you for your comments. I think you’re right, and as far as I can tell, I think a lack of stakes might be the problem. This leads me to think about some changes that I could make with the story, specifically with regards to the murder of the railroad worker at the beginning. The impact would be a lot more visceral and frightening if I actually showed it taking place onscreen. Also, if the murder only affects the guys on the railroad, why does the sheriff have to get involved? What does it matter?

To up the pace of getting it done and to make it easier to stay involved in the story, I’ll try updating pages weekly. Sometimes I don’t have as much time to work on it was I want, and I don’t want to waste the time of anyone generous enough to read by uploading only a few pages every week, but it’s better than nothing.

Cheers :slight_smile:

– PoM


#271

Hi everyone,

My name is Albert Guimerà and I am a film school student from Barcelona, Spain. Recently my classmates and I we were asked to write a short story for one of our classes. I came up with this and I’d just like some honest feedback on my work.

To that end, here’s a link to my script (which is only 4 pages long + cover + a blank page that Celt won’t allow me to delete) which I’ve translated into English.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1izoWpu7G21kTEmQIrNBuYZHYYkkv-cHP/view?usp=sharing4

Thank you very much in advanced.


#272

Hi everyone…I’ve been away for a while and completely neglecting both my writing and yours. I’m not going to make excuses…I fell off the writing wagon, but I’m back on with a complete draft of Cultman James and comments on everything that’s been posted in my absence.

Thanks for keeping the fire burning over here…this group is a beautiful thing, new people are finding it all the time, and I need to be here doing my part <3

Now to reading…


#273

Hi there, thanks for sharing! I read your script.

I think it’s pretty good! Andrew’s an appealing character, his struggle with his stutter makes things interesting, bringing up all sorts of questions for the viewer to get them to stick around to see how and if they’re resolved (will he get over his stutter? How will this affect his romantic aspirations with Stacy?). Also, I like that Stacy didn’t just make a quick appearance as Andrew’s love interested, but actually had a part to play in your story – bringing Andrew’s mom to the hospital. Well-done!

If you want something to work on, I’m going to repeat a common (and necessary) critique from @Spica that I sometimes forget – if you can’t see it on the screen, don’t write it down in the description of your character’s actions or setting.

For example: Andrew weighs the idea of running to a neighbor’s house but decides otherwise (paraphrase; bottom of pg. 3 in your screenplay).

What’s a visual way we’d be able to tell that’s what Andrew’s thinking? Does he squint at the two houses? Does a bead of sweat trickle down his forehead? Try and always use what you can see to describe what’s going on, as that’s how the audience will be seeing it onscreen.

Cheers,
PoM


#274

Just glad you’re back. <3


#275

Going to try something different and reply to myself and maybe make the message board easier to read (?) per Rocketjump’s suggestion.

Ten new pages here.


#276

Thank you very much @PianolasonMars, I really appreciate your feedback. What you said in your post is true, if you can’t see it, you can’t write it down, we are not writing books, we are writing scripts!

I’ll have to take a look at that mistake. I am thinking he could look stop and look at the other houses, but I should probably open the script and type it in to be sure it works.

Thank you very much once again,

Albert


#277

I had some feedback for your script @Guima793 but I think @PianolasonMars said pretty much all I had to tell you.

About the new pages of Sheriff, I assume we are closer to the end than to the beginning. For now it’s an ok story but actually I don’t think it’s really great. And it’s probably just because the plot is something too classic.
I’m still waiting for the final result but I think you may have to change some important elements to make the whole thing really good.

About myself some time ago I had told you about a story I had started to write. Well, I decided to abandon it for now. It was a complex project, too much for an amateur like me. Plus knowing that it probably wouldn’t be produced in the end was not really motivating. I still got a few ideas from it that I may use in the future.
It’s not that sad 'cause I also wrote a complete >10.000 words something, I’ll probably share it with you when I have a kind of final version.

Also welcome back @Exquisite_Corpse! I’m glad to learn you’re still alive!


#278

Hey Lucas,

Thanks for your feedback. I am a little confused, though. There was a certain point where you liked the script. When did you start not becoming interested?
Just to get this out of the way, something that’s cliche is boring, right? It’s fine if you think so, and I appreciate you telling me. However, as this is a screenplay, with lots of different aspects that contribute to making it successful, you should be able to tell me what makes it boring. Is the dialogue not compelling enough (we’ve established dialogue is something I need to work on improving)? Are you not invested in the characters? If so, why? I know that you’ve tried to identify problems with this screenplay; however, as a valued reader on this forum, you should be able to explain. I welcome your opinion, and any feedback whether negative or positive, but it has to be constructive. Simply saying something isn’t great, without elaborating, is an unhelpful critique, and discouraging. I’ve spent the past two months cranking out pages in isolation. If you’re going to critique, please give me something more in-depth – especially because I would like to fix whatever’s lacking to make it more enjoyable for an audience.


#279

First, sorry about being that imprecise, I’ll try to elaborate a bit more.

Loss of interest
I got interested when the murder case appeared. The rings mystery seemed to lead to something bigger, which got me involved. But then it was not really important, nor fundamental to the story. It goes back to a classic western story. And yeah it may be boring. Why would I watch this movie when I could watch another one?
Thinking more about it I think the problem really are from the plot, and how the characters are used.

The plot
What I mean by classic western story is that it doesn’t add much to make it stand out from other stories of its kind.
You may want to know why you want to write that story in particular, what you want to convey, and what you want to tell.

The use of characters
You have a lot of characters in that story. But honestly I fee like there are too many. First it becomes hard to track who’s who. Second we don’t have the time to particularly care for them.
I feel like most of them don’t serve a purpose, they are here just to be here.
That’s sad because they all seem to have a past and motivations, but those are not used as they should be. If you focused on some of them you may use them to make the plot more complex in interesting ways.

I hope this is useful and not just discouraging, writing is really hard and I don’t want you to feel like I’m just spitting on your work. I truly believe in your work’s potential.


#280

This is exactly what I was looking for. These critiques are specific and thoughtful, and now that I’m aware of these issues, I can work on improving them. Thank you so much.

And hey, you have always been so polite and helpful on this forum – I really appreciate you and I don’t take your presence here for granted.

Thank you again for your feedback.


#281

Hi there,

I’m on hiatus for the holidays. After January 4th, I’ll be back with more material.

Cheers everyone. Enjoy the rest of your 2017.

– Dana Silverman


#282

How big is the chance to be a part of RJ when I send a script to the e-mail or post it here?


#283

They can’t legally accept outside ideas. And they are not affiliated with this writing group. This is a group of aspiring writers (who are most likely fans of RJ like most on this site). They share drafts of scripts they write to receive feedback from their peers, and they give feedback in turn.

If you are serious about writing you may seek to join this group in order to hone your skills (and help others hone theirs). Who knows, as your writing improves RJ may even notice and seek to collaborate with you.


#284

@Jasper_Cloud How can someone (or I) become a part of RocketJump? Any tip?


#285

Get really good at something, be a nice person, have the same interests. Be available in the market when they need someone for a project (at which point you’ll have to adhere to the first two points I made and be affordable to that project).