RJFS Writer's group!


#42

That’s why I love these long RPGs, you can understand the story even if you’re rushing through the main questline, but if you take the time to read every bit of lore, speak to every NPC it’s so much more which you can’t really have in a movie.

That sounds interesting, I would watch it/read it :smiley: What I would love to see is a Tudors/GoT like show about the historical Hungarian kings starting with the story of István, there were some really interesting happenings over here in these centuries :smiley: István’s coronation story actually has a Rock Opera made in the 80s which is all kinds of awesome, especially music wise, I would recommend it if it weren’t a story almost only known by us.

I agree that these kinds of things would need HUGE amount of research which then automatically changes the story as you know more and more about the subject. It’s an interesting process.

@PianolasonMars You’re (hopefully :smiley:) a free person, so don’t worry, if you do something, great, if not, you’ll do it when you want to, don’t be pressured into doing something if you’re not comfortable, (hopefully :smiley:) we’re all decent, understanding people here.


#43

@SZPeti42 Yeah, thanks for reminding me. There was a bar that was set in terms of page requirements when this writer’s group was first started and I don’t want to lower that standard for everyone else.

Edited for formatting and grammar.


#44

Here is the updated scipt with the extra five pages. Thank you for your feedback @Exquisite_Corpse, I also fixed the paragraphs and translation, and I will get around to fixing the realism issuses once I do a rewrite. http://docdro.id/c0mO3Y1


#45

@PianolasonMars I haven’t read your pages, but I definitely will some time tonight! As for going at 5 pages a week, (1) Of course we want to be understanding of your work schedule…I’ve had 2 jobs at certain points, and it is hard to find time for anything (especially sleep) and (2) This is for you…I mean, obviously we all benefit from getting to see so many scripts from so many voices with so many experiences, but the real reason this group exists is that writing is extremely lonely - it’s hard to get yourself to work so hard on something nobody particularly cares about, so this is a place where people care and want you to succeed at writing.

All that to say - write at your own pace. Page goals are just a way to try and push yourself to stay on track. At 10 pages a week, you can finish a first draft in three months…at 5 a week, that time frame doubles, but it’s always better to have realistic goals and meet them than it is to have unrealistic goals and watch yourself fail continuously.

@SzPeti42 I would watch that. Anything that can rip bodices, feature sword fights, AND teach me history is going to be my new favorite thing… I’m absolutely always looking for the next Borgia

@Thread

My pages are here - new content starts on page 21 https://www.docdroid.net/BdDwk2q/script-paladin-untitled-1.pdf.html#page=21

The last piece was pretty action oriented, but we’re taking a break from that to chit chat about life for the next few pages. Enjoy!


#46

Just read your stuff, and I have to say that I like basically everything that’s going on here. The Bible story actually made me laugh out loud, and the characters have distinct voices that are just fun to listen to. It also does a good job of introducing us to the setting through interesting interactions rather than using a blunt instrument like a word crawl or a narrator. Obviously, this is a much larger story than can be told in five pages, so I’m looking forward to seeing how it grows from here.

Where I think your comedic voice is quite strong, I also see a bit of awkwardness when things get more dramatic. Characters give a little too much detail, so it ends up being on the nose at times. I think you’re afraid that you’re not going to give enough information, so you over-correct a little. Trust your audience - they’re pretty smart, AND all of the visuals will be there to give your words a boost.

So right now we have: Heyhatti with some crazy magical realism, Spica with a heady drama, Marteh with a war epic, Mars with some post-apocalyptic sci fi, and me with a spaghetti swashbuckler. That really runs the gamut…if we get two more people writing a horror script and a romance, we’ll pretty much fill out the genre bingo card.


#47

Dude! Thanks so much for your awesome comments and helpful feedback. I appreciate the leniency on the pace of the submitted writing, and now that I think about it, I think what you said about the dialogue is spot on. I’ll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks!

Looking forward to reading yours! Cheers! And happy holidays! ^^


#48

And to you as well, thank you for contributing! :slight_smile: I will try to read everything, it’s tricky during Christmas, but we’ll see :slight_smile:

As Jessica has put it, this is for you Mars and everyone else to get feedback and to improve, we’re all friends here! :slight_smile: If you start stressing about this, you’re just gonna make your life harder. If you’re somehow not satisfied with your pace or you just want to do something different, feel free to share it separately, as you can see I’m happy to give my unprofessional feedback even without contributing specifically, everybody has it different :smiley:

I actually has shared my first exercise/character study already, and not long ago which was lost in the system (or just wasn’t that interesting :smiley:) in a separate thread as that is almost an already developed thing and I’m not planning to write it out as a specific script yet, so I though it should not interfere with your projects and this topic, I’m more laid-back about it. But it can be considered a writing exercise, so of course I’d love to hear your more writer oriented opinions, if you want to give it a piece of yo minds, you can find it here


#49

@szpeti42 I really enjoy the advantages of having this thread be for screenplays only, so I’ve critiqued your work on your thread here.

@MartehW Major plus: you can call attention to elements of the scene without directing the camera, which I appreciated. Also, you have some major conflict happening here, with the two very different viewpoints of the Anselm and Arden in this current regime. Conflict is one of the key elements of an engaging story - my professor once went so far as to say art IS conflict, which I agree with - so on that note, well done. I’m very interested to see what happens in the relationship between these two friends.

However, I wish I had spent a little more time seeing their relationship develop before the regime took over. A non-verbal montage can be a really effective way to show the development of a relationship over a period of time, but using this time at the beginning of your story to, say, have the characters demonstrate their wants/goals in some way would add some emotional resonance to your story. This would further show how the characters relate to each other and would give them something to actively pursue, rather than merely be pulled along by the grinding gears of the plot. I’m specifically thinking of Pixar’s Up! as an example - I don’t believe that non-verbal montage at the beginning would have worked so effectively if the filmmakers hadn’t shown what the characters were about in the film’s opening (Carl loving Ellie; Ellie wanting adventure). Also, I’d like to address to @Exquisite_Corpse’s critique: I don’t think realism matters much at this stage of our writing careers - it’s pretty thrilling to be able to write about North Korea taking over the U.S. This is more about the development of your screenwriting skills, so if it’s the scenario you have, my opinion is fire away. If you’re interested in making this screenplay into a feature, then that’s when I’d say research and realism is necessary.

@Exquisite_Corpse You’ve got a knack for dialogue - “Silver sings. Tin rattles.” That’s beautiful. I don’t think you can be taught to write like that. I really enjoy how this story throws you into the world right away. I actually think you could open your movie on the scene with the thieves - we get an immediate idea of what kind of person Myrin is already. The opening scene with Myrin wandering the earth and her vows is very well-written, but I think the story would be better off if it took place later, perhaps used as a break in the narrative to reveal Myrin’s past and motivations. With the best characters, you don’t want to reveal too much about them right away; gain the viewer’s interest with actions first, and then gain the viewer’s empathy through backstory and revealing the character’s point of view.

While I really enjoy the characters’ personalities and banter, it feels like there’s a lot going on in these first few pages. I had to reread multiple times in order to keep track of all the characters (I guess it really helped that Snow White lived with the seven dwarves away from a village; if she had to interact with them and everyone in town it would probably be really confusing to read on the page). Upon a third reading of this script, it doesn’t seem like there’s that many people to keep track of, but if we’re going to be introduced to a paladin, a captain, five bounty hunters, and three bandits all within the first twenty pages, I’d find a way to distinguish them on the page from one another - and that’s if all of these characters are even necessary. You know The Princess Bride? I look at that movie as a model for how to feature a plethora of fantasy characters without overwhelming the viewer. Wesley, Buttercup, the kidnapper, his two sidekicks, Humperdinck, his evil henchman, The Doctor and his Wife, the King and Queen, and the Torturer. Goldman introduces these characters to us over time, and all of them have particular and important roles at crucial plot points. Because of the action and spectacle inherent in the fantasy genre, my opinion is to keep the characters to a minimum at first so the viewer can adjust to the environment of your world.

Lastly, you’re a master at the art of the cliffhanger. I did not see that twist coming.

I look forward to seeing everyone’s progress again next week!


#50

Ok, I’m reaaally late, haven’t posted since week 1 and we’re already getting close to the end of week 3, sorry about that, I said I would post reviews more than one week ago but loads of things made me late, I even had to print out Paladin to read it offline. Anyway I’m not here to talk about my life unless it’s as a script!

First, about the story I posted, Exam Day, thanks for your feedback ! I think you are right about the lack of actions, I’ve probably been a bit lazy, focusing on dialogs to make the story evolve faster, reading it again it seemed a bit forced, like “I have a moment A and need to go to a moment B, what’s the shortest way to get there?”.
About the emptyness of the world I disagree, the story is obviously based on characters and it could take place in different places, so I don’t think it’s necessary to impose one particular setup.
I was surprised to not read any concern about the ending which was pretty cheesy as I remembered it, reading it again it was better than I thought but I have the feeling it’s still a bit lazy, a bit disappointing as it doesn’t give any concrete answer. What is your opinion?

Anyway, enough talking about me for now. Let’s get to the best part : your scripts!

Let’s start with @Heyhatti’s Death Party.
It was really funny, but as some others said, it’s just a beginning, there’s a long story you can tell. You could write a comedy about grief, remorses and death which could be really interesting (and fun).
A concern I have is how fast Stewert is killed by his brother’s joke, it’s really sudden and felt almost fake even though this is comedy. You probably could have builded the pranster side of the brother by letting the two boys spend a morning together, with Frederick artfully making fun of Stewert, then they would have a birthday lunch, and when Stewy get his gift the final joke kills him. That way it’s still surprising but less sudden.
That said, I hope you’ll continue the story!

Now, @MartehW with Anselm & Arden’s story.
I think that all those scenes at the beginning are not necessary. They just achieve to let us know that the two characters are friends since they are babys, and we can get that information without all those scenes which would be really expensive to shoot just a few seconds, and are too short to make us involved. The spectator is just, well, a spectator, I don’t think you can feel connected to those scenes. You wanted the viewer to have the feeling A&A are really close, right ? Well then I think it would just be better to make them spend more time together. Maybe have them share a few scenes before and after the EMP launch so we can really feel that they have a strong relationship and not just know it. For example they could spend some time watching old VHS videos of them, shot by their families. Then EMP is launched, the city (and so their TV) is down. They get out, walk in the chaotic streets, meet the group from the apartment, try to get out of the city and then Anselm get caught. In my opinion it would be a better introduction to the characters and the universe, and it would build the relationship.
Another thing is all the CUT TO: in the script. You probably don’t need them, if a new scene starts there’s obviously a cut so you don’t need to waste room with that transition.
My last concern is about the evilness of North Korea. I have the feeling that some scenes, like the public execution at the end, are just here to make the NK look more and more evil, without purpose in the story. I’m maybe wrong but I think some scenes are not necessary or could be shortened, we already know North Korea is “the bad guy”.
Finally I just had to disagree with Jessica. NK is probably not able to take out USA, but it still is a pretty mysterious country. It’s still possible to argue that they have a super secret military program to take out those Americans they hate so much. And even, like Siths or Nazis, North Korea is the magical bad guy which could be capable of anything if we want to write so!
I hope my review is helpful, and I’m waiting for what happens next to the two friends!

@PianolasonMars, first, you are obviously free to write as much as you want/can. I haven’t posted something since week 1 (and even it was not written during that week) and I don’t feel like an impostor. Do as you like, the goal is to write, not to make you nervous about how much you wrote.
About your script I don’t have much to say. It was well written, pretty fun, and I’m just waiting for more, let’s see where it goes.

Finally, @Exquisite_Corpse’s Paladin!
I really liked the story and I loved the three thieves scene, dialogs sounds really great, proving it’s not necessary to use some weird english to make it more like fantasy.
A problem I had is that we have some action scene with the three thieves, and not so long after we have another fight, and to me it felt a bit like rushing from action to action, like if the movie was just gonna be about meaningless battles (even though it’s obviously not the case). Like PianolasonMars said it would maybe be better to open with the thieves scene (which introduce the characters), some talk, and maybe then use a way to insert the original opening sequence, and then getting back to action. I’m maybe not helpful as it would be hard to insert the sequence here, so don’t give too much attention to that point for now, but yeah, it would maybe be better to introduce that sequence later, and to have a longer break between the two action scenes.
Another thing is your use of parentheticals. Sometime you use it for absolutely obvious things, like when Violet gets an arrow in her shoulder you add (severe agony). which is already obvious. You also use parentheticals to describe actions but I think it’s not a good use of them, as, as I remember it, they are only supposed to describe voice. For action you would rather describe the action and end the phrase with “:”. For instance, instead of writing
FRITZ
(raising his glass)
To all of you.
you would write
Fritz raises his glass :
FRITZ
To all of you.
Also you often describe camera angles, and basically what is on screen but as I remember it it’s not really recommended, particulary if you plan on selling your script. You are a writer, not a director so your job is just to write the story in the more clear and compelling way, then the director will take care of the camera angles etc, sometimes even rewriting the script in consequence.
But still on those two last points I’m not 100% sure, I’m not a professional so it would be great to get confirmation or refutation from someone with more knowledges (@Lauren, @cherish, @ShotBotWill ?).
One last thing, you seemed to be worried about Myrin being unlikeable. She is! She’s not perfect (thanks) but we understand her, can relate to her so it’s all good!

Oh, and you and @SzPeti42 got me interested in The Witcher, I’ll probably get the first novel soon. :slight_smile:

Well, I think all is said.
About me I’ve been working on a short film script, but I don’t think I’ll post it here unless I have a first draft, hopefully in less than two weeks. I’ll maybe write another version of Exam Day before.

That thread is a huge source of motivation and inspiration, and there’s a lot to learn from here for all of us so please keep writing !


#51

I caught up with your Paladin story Jessica, I like what I’ve been reading so far, it has the potential that’s for sure. I really liked the banter with BBH, it added personality to that whole segment while also giving us some of the lore. It made me want to spend more time with him, I especially loved the song he sang. If you can have this great chemistry between the ghost-Fritz and Myrin throughout then I think you’re set. I also liked that he was polite and tried not to look and was being generally more embarrassed by the situation.

One thing I have to ask. Why didn’t Fritz try to immediately kill Myrin when he recognized her, it was a bit weird that he didn’t even try but just tried to walk away. He seemed a lot more of an angrier dick in the previous scene when he was still alive. Shouldn’t he want instant revenge? It’s good the way it is, and I don’t know the whole story and personality of him, so I’m really just asking.

Myrin’s somewhat reminded me a bit of Merrill from Dragon Age 2, not completely as she was more awkwardly naïve, and cutesy, and didn’t have this fake confidence and edginess with her that Myrin tries to project, you can check her out if you want to separate yourself from this trope or rather take inspiration. She was voiced by the great Eve Myles (and female Hawke by Jo Wyatt who was also Ciri in the Witcher 3, so many great performances in these games)

On to the Winston Bunkers by @PianolasonMars
What I can give you is mostly emotional, and it’s still early, so no major plot details are revealed, I don’t know if it’s going to be an ensemble cast story, a horror, an action-comedy, or something else, it’s still wide-open.

I’ve found the anecdotal nature fun, I tend to love great group dynamic stories, so I hope they are not gonna used as plot devices for timely deaths :smiley: And the last paragraph instantly hooked me. Balancing will be the real issue, The Walking Dead game’s Michonne DLC had a boat crew, you spend a little time with them and then you’re separated until the end, and it was supposed to be a big emotional dilemma to save them, so they had to insert a chill flashback scene at the start of the last of the 3 episodes to have at least some character building with them. It was a nice touch, but I still would have preferred more.

Next up is AA (not the Anonymous Alcoholics one :smiley:) by @MartehW
Actually, Lucas has already written what I was about to, I’ve had the same impressions, I don’t necessarily mind the North Korea takes over America story, I’m sure you will elaborate on that more, it’s a matter of some secret we don’t know yet or some pretty heavy suspension of disbelief. If the actual story and characters are good the public will forgive more. Look at Armageddon, we are to believe that Bruce Willis is the god of drilling in skills and also is a genius of mechanical engineering design with his own drill design which is then copied badly by NASA. So if there are no documents available for that design, they could’ve still just asked for it, but I’m not gonna believe that a group of educated and prestige engineers cannot make a good enough drill on their own or there’s not one designer who submits his design for use to save humanity. And that’s just one concern, you can hear Géza tell you more about this :smiley:

But the movie still works as a stupid action-adventure romp.

So if you make the story work, make the characters work and you don’t go too far to be overly serious than it can definitely work as a whole. If you take yourself and the story too seriously it can backfire easily as it can become a caricature, like the North Koreans themselves.

And last but not least Exam day by @Spica

So where is he going? :smiley:

I enjoyed reading this, it can really be a nicely presented emotional-rational decision reminiscent of a Bioware, Telltale, or even a Witcher game :smiley:

One thing I felt that you were really pushing the rational choice, the introduction to the exam was a whole page, but Emma was just thrown in without any prior emotional connection for us to hold onto, so it’s harder for us to understand Paul’s point of view when he’s having second thoughts. The general reaction from a general person would be we don’t know Emma, we don’t care about Emma, why would we care? Give us something beforehand so we care. I’m caring anyway because I’m an empathic person, so I can understand a person’s grief without knowing her or much context, but don’t expect this from the general audience :smiley:

What kind of friends were they? Like what you’ve recommended to Marteh, maybe an extra bit of dialogue about her beforehand so the letter is a “speaking of the devil” kind of thing, or some remembering from Paul when he’s in the dilemma. I love the ambiguity at the end. You really don’t need much to establish a great connection between characters, just look at what Pixar did with the opening of UP!, I still cry every time. And it’s completely devoid of dialogue.

And if the emotional connection is there, it can be really hard to break, for example, if you look at the new season of Telltale’s Walking Dead game, you have Clementine now as a supporting character again. She is the fan favourite, she is the face of this franchise, and has become one of the most important characters in the whole TWD universe, not just game wise. So in the latest episodes, the writers were trying really hard to give you choices that would probably have a negative impact to you if you help her, like lying for her, choosing her over another character. They did have specific manipulative scenes with those other characters so it would be a hard choice, but over 90% of the players chose Clementine anyway.

I hope I gave you good feedback, thank you all so much for contributing here! :slight_smile:


#52

Thank you for your feedback, it’s really useful!
I still haven’t play The Walking Dead franchise but I’m a huge fan of the comic series so it’s on top of my to play games list, it seems really well-written.


#53

Friday is here already in AU

I haven’t technically written five pages, but I spent some time and added about three to my original draft, so here we are. I felt it was important to secure Stewert’s older brother as an antagonist and introduce another character. Sadly, this may have caused the loss of some of the original goofiness, but oh well. I will be adding more to this saga very soon. Happy New Year!


#54

It’s was already good but it’s much better now!

I have a little suggestion : when Stewert tell Lucy that his brother wants to kill him I thought it would be better with a pause before she answers.

What do you think?

Keep writing!


#55

Happy Friday, gang! I checked out for a couple of days to catch up with my family, but clearly it’s all going strong! I have some pages this week, and they’ll get posted, but I wanted to make sure I start with @MartehW - because I’ve been meaning to get to his pages all week.

For Marteh

A lot of writers have to be prodded into moving the story forward, and you definitely don’t have that problem, but you may move a little quickly at times. Even though your environment is clearly a dystopia, human life WILL find joy no matter what, so maybe show us a scene where Mom, Dad, and Arden are having fun at an underground pub, betting on the frog races, or - you know - whatever people do for fun these days. I definitely want to feel it more when Arden’s parents are killed in front of us (also, the executioner should read their crimes - for consistency)

Basically, your strength is that you’re a high concept writer: All of the overarching plot mechanisms are always working…and - as someone who is BAD at keeping the plot on track - it seems like wizardry to me. Your plot arc is a very pretty, very perfect parabola, and you should stick to that. What you need to work on is creating the illusion that things aren’t clearly defined - because life is random and crazy even though movies are meticulously planned.

For everyone else

I want to make another cup of tea and give the writing a final push before I post tonight, but I will have pages and feedback for everyone!

In the meantime, you may substitute my writing for a gif of a crazy girl with a knife


#56

True, that would sound better. Thanks for the tip!


#57

Happy New Year everyone! I want to thank all of you for your wonderful feedback, and keeping this thread going strong. I’m going to post the eight pages that I completed over the past week today – I wanted to finish the action sequence in the screenplay before submission, but the weekly postings have been a really good benchmark for me to follow, so I’m posting today just to keep my pace on track: The Winston Bunkers

How does the action read on the page? Do you find that everything flows and that you’re engaged in the story? Could you see this as a movie as you read it? Thanks for your help.

I’m going to provide feedback to @Spica and @Heyhatti, as I hadn’t seen their screenplays until today!

@Spica: I think this would work best as a short film, or even as an episode of television, as the main question seems to be related to an emotional choice, rather than to an external world goal he’s trying to achieve. For cinematic reference, he’s not on the run from the law (Thelma and Louise), or trying to solve a murder (SeVen), or trying to retrieve an object (Indiana Jones). And you’ve made both decisions for Paul equally compelling, which provides great conflict - the crux of any good story. Should Paul go to the funeral of his friend and miss the exams that only come once a year, or should he take the exams and miss his friend’s funeral? I sort of agree with @SzPeti42’s statement regarding Emma - if she’s simply an acquaintance of Paul’s, why would he risk taking the entrance exams to attend her funeral? What’s so special about their relationship that he would consider doing this? And this is where you could take the story in interesting directions. How could you show that Emma was special to Paul, and how Paul feels about her death, without simply relying on the exchange between Paul and Carl?

@Heyhatti So, I thought your story was quite fun. I thought it would be an assassin story, so I was completely surprised when the main character was actually killed within the first ten pages. I appreciated the funny moments and the conflict between Stewert and Frederick. Now that you’ve killed the main character in the first ten pages, where is this story going to go? Is Stewert going to take revenge on his brother? Does he want to leave purgatory? How is Emma going to be involved? What are some obstacles that could make Stewert’s goal extremely difficult for him, and how is he going to overcome these obstacles to achieve his goal? Think about these things to keep the momentum of your story going. I really enjoyed it.

Good tidings to everyone in 2017!


#58

How’s everyone doing? I just wanted to keep this thread alive. I don’t have many pages this week, but I’m planning on posting something tomorrow. If you don’t have any screenplay pages to post, feel free to post any treatments or outlines of any ideas you might want to film (they don’t have to be big budget…they could be an idea you could shoot in your backyard, with an iPhone).

I thought I’d take this opportunity to post about film treatments:

“A film treatment (or simply treatment) is a piece of prose, typically the step between scene cards (index cards) and the first draft of a screenplay for a motion picture, television program, or radio play.” – Wikipedia

http://www.scifiscripts.com/scripts/Terminator_Treatment.txt

Writing a screenplay can sometimes be really frustrating, especially if wondering how to write something gets in the way of the organic process of creating scenes. If you’re still getting used to the screenplay format, turning your idea into a treatment is a great way to get the idea out on the page, without having to deal with the hassle of knowing how to express a shot in screenwriting terms. Similar to a screenplay, writing a successful treatment involves emphasizing the visuals of your story, so that it’s easy to see on a movie screen.

I posted the original treatment for the first Terminator movie, written by James Cameron. Notice how he writes about the sights and sounds of his world. I found this document an extremely effective tool for learning how to tell my story visually, and I hope you will too.

Hope everybody’s been enjoying their New Year so far.


#59

I assume you mean Lucy, haha. Thanks for the feedback, I’m thinking that Stewert will covince death to help him in some way, and altogether with Lucy they will avenge Stewert. Something like that at least. Thanks again!


#60

I have pages!!

As for all of your wonderful comments on my work, there’s a lot to process here…and clearly plenty of re-writes to be done. Thanks so much for all of the amazing reading and writing that’s happening here. It’s awesome.

A few thoughts on my own stuff:

(1) “Fritz should try to kill her”

Great suggestion - so great that I rewrote that scene already. Done and done!

(2) Too much action too close together

This is something I thought of myself…and it’s hard to know exactly how to deal with it. Originally, the script went: Vow sequence, robbery, hideout, Frtiz’ death - the three thieves scene didn’t exist. The idea behind writing it was to show a ‘before’ photo of Myrin’s life: Before all of this, Fritz was happily robbing and Myrin was happily pretending that killing criminals will make her a righteous person. But - in terms of story rhythm - it puts two sword fight sequences right next to each other with all the dialog scenes jammed into the next 20 pages. The natural choice is to cut the three thieves scene…because anything that happens BEFORE Fritz dies is a delay on the main plot, and therefore adding another dialog section seems sloppy. However, I hesitate…because I rather like that scene.

(3) Camera direction

It’s really hard to know how much of this is acceptable…I’m definitely aware that a lot of people will say “none - ever, period” but that seems so harsh - particularly when the “INSERT” and “FLASH” headings can sometimes be more economic than describing the thing you’re inserting. Still, it’s a valid criticism…one which I’m going to have to table for the moment in order to get the stupid thing written, but that’s absolutely the first thing to look at on the final re-write.

(4) Parentheticals

I probably abuse them a little…but, in my defense they ARE used for action sometimes. For me, I feel like it’s OK to put the actions as character parentheticals if they INFORM the dialog that’s being said…like, when Violet is chopping the chest, and the rhythm of her words is sort of following the rhythm of the swing. Still…also a valid criticism…and I absolutely do abuse them sometimes.


#61

Oh, and for anyone who doesn’t know what a ‘form’ is in terms of the martial arts, I present a Youtube video of the sort of thing you’d see Myrin doing in the morning