Ok, I’m reaaally late, haven’t posted since week 1 and we’re already getting close to the end of week 3, sorry about that, I said I would post reviews more than one week ago but loads of things made me late, I even had to print out Paladin to read it offline. Anyway I’m not here to talk about my life unless it’s as a script!
First, about the story I posted, Exam Day, thanks for your feedback ! I think you are right about the lack of actions, I’ve probably been a bit lazy, focusing on dialogs to make the story evolve faster, reading it again it seemed a bit forced, like “I have a moment A and need to go to a moment B, what’s the shortest way to get there?”.
About the emptyness of the world I disagree, the story is obviously based on characters and it could take place in different places, so I don’t think it’s necessary to impose one particular setup.
I was surprised to not read any concern about the ending which was pretty cheesy as I remembered it, reading it again it was better than I thought but I have the feeling it’s still a bit lazy, a bit disappointing as it doesn’t give any concrete answer. What is your opinion?
Anyway, enough talking about me for now. Let’s get to the best part : your scripts!
Let’s start with @Heyhatti’s Death Party.
It was really funny, but as some others said, it’s just a beginning, there’s a long story you can tell. You could write a comedy about grief, remorses and death which could be really interesting (and fun).
A concern I have is how fast Stewert is killed by his brother’s joke, it’s really sudden and felt almost fake even though this is comedy. You probably could have builded the pranster side of the brother by letting the two boys spend a morning together, with Frederick artfully making fun of Stewert, then they would have a birthday lunch, and when Stewy get his gift the final joke kills him. That way it’s still surprising but less sudden.
That said, I hope you’ll continue the story!
Now, @MartehW with Anselm & Arden’s story.
I think that all those scenes at the beginning are not necessary. They just achieve to let us know that the two characters are friends since they are babys, and we can get that information without all those scenes which would be really expensive to shoot just a few seconds, and are too short to make us involved. The spectator is just, well, a spectator, I don’t think you can feel connected to those scenes. You wanted the viewer to have the feeling A&A are really close, right ? Well then I think it would just be better to make them spend more time together. Maybe have them share a few scenes before and after the EMP launch so we can really feel that they have a strong relationship and not just know it. For example they could spend some time watching old VHS videos of them, shot by their families. Then EMP is launched, the city (and so their TV) is down. They get out, walk in the chaotic streets, meet the group from the apartment, try to get out of the city and then Anselm get caught. In my opinion it would be a better introduction to the characters and the universe, and it would build the relationship.
Another thing is all the CUT TO: in the script. You probably don’t need them, if a new scene starts there’s obviously a cut so you don’t need to waste room with that transition.
My last concern is about the evilness of North Korea. I have the feeling that some scenes, like the public execution at the end, are just here to make the NK look more and more evil, without purpose in the story. I’m maybe wrong but I think some scenes are not necessary or could be shortened, we already know North Korea is “the bad guy”.
Finally I just had to disagree with Jessica. NK is probably not able to take out USA, but it still is a pretty mysterious country. It’s still possible to argue that they have a super secret military program to take out those Americans they hate so much. And even, like Siths or Nazis, North Korea is the magical bad guy which could be capable of anything if we want to write so!
I hope my review is helpful, and I’m waiting for what happens next to the two friends!
@PianolasonMars, first, you are obviously free to write as much as you want/can. I haven’t posted something since week 1 (and even it was not written during that week) and I don’t feel like an impostor. Do as you like, the goal is to write, not to make you nervous about how much you wrote.
About your script I don’t have much to say. It was well written, pretty fun, and I’m just waiting for more, let’s see where it goes.
Finally, @Exquisite_Corpse’s Paladin!
I really liked the story and I loved the three thieves scene, dialogs sounds really great, proving it’s not necessary to use some weird english to make it more like fantasy.
A problem I had is that we have some action scene with the three thieves, and not so long after we have another fight, and to me it felt a bit like rushing from action to action, like if the movie was just gonna be about meaningless battles (even though it’s obviously not the case). Like PianolasonMars said it would maybe be better to open with the thieves scene (which introduce the characters), some talk, and maybe then use a way to insert the original opening sequence, and then getting back to action. I’m maybe not helpful as it would be hard to insert the sequence here, so don’t give too much attention to that point for now, but yeah, it would maybe be better to introduce that sequence later, and to have a longer break between the two action scenes.
Another thing is your use of parentheticals. Sometime you use it for absolutely obvious things, like when Violet gets an arrow in her shoulder you add (severe agony). which is already obvious. You also use parentheticals to describe actions but I think it’s not a good use of them, as, as I remember it, they are only supposed to describe voice. For action you would rather describe the action and end the phrase with “:”. For instance, instead of writing
(raising his glass)
To all of you.
you would write
Fritz raises his glass :
To all of you.
Also you often describe camera angles, and basically what is on screen but as I remember it it’s not really recommended, particulary if you plan on selling your script. You are a writer, not a director so your job is just to write the story in the more clear and compelling way, then the director will take care of the camera angles etc, sometimes even rewriting the script in consequence.
But still on those two last points I’m not 100% sure, I’m not a professional so it would be great to get confirmation or refutation from someone with more knowledges (@Lauren, @cherish, @ShotBotWill ?).
One last thing, you seemed to be worried about Myrin being unlikeable. She is! She’s not perfect (thanks) but we understand her, can relate to her so it’s all good!
Oh, and you and @SzPeti42 got me interested in The Witcher, I’ll probably get the first novel soon.
Well, I think all is said.
About me I’ve been working on a short film script, but I don’t think I’ll post it here unless I have a first draft, hopefully in less than two weeks. I’ll maybe write another version of Exam Day before.
That thread is a huge source of motivation and inspiration, and there’s a lot to learn from here for all of us so please keep writing !