@heyhatti I really have no idea what you’re doing, but keep doing it because you have a style all your own….it’s like some ridiculous lovechild of Terry Gilliam and a Disney channel special. The note I have for you this week is on pacing: Everything jumps from moment to moment really quickly, and I think extending the dialog sections would help us feel more at home in the world. Obviously you don’t want to fill blank space with actual nothing, but give us a little more information on the characters by letting them voice their insane thought patterns.
@Talksweet Your concept is just plain excellent….I was a big fan of Being Human (the British one...not the weird American remake), and this fits wonderfully with the legacy in terms of telling stories in the same spirit without directly ripping off the source material. Also, there isn’t enough drama set in rehab facilities, so this is a great excuse to talk about all of those themes: Addiction, redemption etc. Your main strength is description; I love the economy of detail you have in terms of short text-blocks full of good, important information.
Your main weakness is dialog….there’s just something rigid about the way your characters speak, and I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s definitely there. A lot of writers recommend people-watching to help you with dialog, and I think it’s a good idea. Just spend some time out and about with a notebook, and write down things that people say. Shamelessly steal people’s crazy speech patterns.
@Pianolasonmars This is quality writing; as an ‘all around’ script, yours is the most unassailable in that the plot structure is there, the dialog is there, the world is there, and I care about what happens…..there’s the old saying “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, and there’s not much to fix with this one.
The major note I can give you is with regards to the action sequences: Your actual descriptions are on-point, but they’re not separated from the rest of the description text in any way. I’m an American, so I ABUSE CAPS to get the point across, but I’m sure you can do similar work by just separating the action from everything else. Never be afraid to give action beats their own line - because it’s known that action takes up more time on screen than it typically does on the page, so these line breaks can actually serve to increase the accuracy of your page-to-time ratio.
@Thread: One of the things that’s fascinating me about all of your scripts is the extent to which video games have become as much a storytelling influence as classic films. Doubly interesting when you consider the fact that video games typically have AWFUL writers (seriously, games industry - hire all of us to write your scripts...we could definitely do it better!)
I don’t have much written this week because I started another script (it’s for a writing seminar - a gift from my father who loves me) on top of extending the Paladin work….so I will probably have TWO scripts for you next week. Also, I’m getting midpoint jitters on old Paladin because I’m hitting page FIFTY. Which means I’m halfway done with the script and ready to start research for the next project!
I hope to see more from all of you as the little thread grows and grows!