@Exquisite_Corpse: Hot damn. I loved your pages this week. I especially liked the larger conflict in the story (Myrin striving for virtue as part of a sacred order originally meant to train kids to participate in bloodshed). This is a personal issue for Myrin, but also has tangible implications for the society at large. This also puts an interesting on how to strive for virtue within the world of your story, as well as in real life. You’ve got some emotional and thematic depth in these pages, which is very cool. Also enjoyed Fritz’s backstory about Rufus beating on him as a farm boy. And I appreciate that Fritz’s improved with relationship with Myrin feels earned; it doesn’t feel out of place or out of nowhere. Look forward to reading next week.
Here’s my take on the battle between Myrin and Fritz against Violet and her crew. I incorporated minor action line changes that I think made the sequence more effective - I didn’t touch the dialogue. The changes I made varied the intensity of your fight scene a bit. Varying the dynamic of everything from personal interchanges to fight sequences often enhances the conflict and drama of the story in a positive way. Also, I gave characters time to respond to their surroundings, which tempers this quite intense, prolonged fight scene, and allows readers to become more emotionally involved.
Hopefully you’ll find the changes effective. As I’m an amateur, I expect that you’ll notice mistakes (a good thing, since we’re honing our instincts as writers). Hope you enjoy!
@ReshaCaner Thanks for sharing your screenplay with us! I really enjoyed the first part! I feel like I could get a sense of who Moss is, even though he hardly says a word, which points to some pretty effective writing. Have you ever seen any of Jeff Nichols’ films? The first part of your story really evoked a similar sense of place for me, that sleepy Southern atmosphere where magic and buried treasure could be found in the right swamp or grove. You know how to paint pictures with your words, for sure.
Based on this, the second half of the story was so different from the first that it was a little jarring. I feel like both the first half and the second half would work better as two separate stories, rather than as one coherent whole.
@LightStorm I’m looking forward to reading your screenplay this week too! Your German arthouse + Quentin Tarantino combo intrigued me for sure!