RJFS Writer's group!


Hello. Bringing things back to the screenplays, I’d like to submit five new pages that should have been submitted last week.



PS: @Joe_Casarez I’ll take a look at your screenplay sometime this week :slight_smile:


Hey! So I may have dropped of the map for quite a bit. This was a mix of all sorts of things like anxiety, family stuff, college work and the lot but I am back and I’m ready to try and write screenplays and the like. I’m still doing film stuff and writing, but the writing is mainly focused on college and the like so that’s where all my creative juices have been aimed at.

Firstly, @PianolasonMars Thank you for the apology. I know from experience it take a big man to admit his faults and I appreciate it so much. It’ll take more than your harsh words to scare me away though. :slight_smile: And I very much appreciate all the critique you give because I understand what your saying and I agree with it a bit as well, so from now on keep it coming.

Second off, I’m not gonna go back to ‘Moonshine’ but instead work on something else here. No, I haven’t given up on the idea, I just need to figure out what the hell is actually gonna happen in it and the beats and characters of it all.

I’ll be writing something new soon so be ready for it. I’ll see you then.


Damn it @PianolasonMars , I missed your new pages when you posted them, just read them.
There’s some real tension in that new scene, I’m waiting for what comes next!

Take your time with your writing @TalkSweet, see ya.


Thanks for your feedback, @Spica!


I know this isn’t ten pages yet but I really want to show off this script that I’ve started and I think you’ll all like it quite a bit. Can’t wait for feedback! (Also, sorry for all the grammatical errors in it. I will clean that up very soon.)


Hello all, my new five pages are here.

@CSBfilms’ question on pacing and the discussion it prompted really helped me with writing the action scene this week. The discussion is here, for those interested.

@TalkSweet: Looking forward to reading your screenplay! Will provide feedback soon.


There’s a TON to catch up on, but I’m not doing that right now…for now, I’ll drop in some pages. This one is really nearing the end…I expect to wrap up the first draft within the next couple of weeks.



Feedback for @Exquisite_Corpse and @TalkSweet.

@Exquisite_Corpse: While I did read your ten pages, you’re so close to the end at this point that I think you should just focus on finishing your screenplay, rather than improving anything. Again, major props on getting this far - a huge accomplishment - and I can’t wait to read the ending, whenever you decide to submit.
@TalkSweet: Welcome back. I really enjoyed your Western. Your screenplay felt like a movie - definitely seeing the writing chops that were present in your first screenplay. A big plus for me was the tone - I’m specifically thinking of your vibrant descriptions of the characters - which made your screenplay seem more alive; I also liked how you started your movie in the middle (in media res, you should look up the term if you haven’t heard it before, it could help with future writing) of a big shoot out… I am curious to see what happens with Alex - how much of a role is she going to play in this movie if she’s already paralyzed? Maybe she gets some bionic legs and gets revenge on the sheriff? With the genre of the movie, a lot can happen, and I’m definitely interested to see where your story goes.

I’ll try and submit my pages within the next couple o’ days.


Read your scripts!
@Exquisite_Corpse I like how you make the “bad guys” have some real motivations, how you make them human. The ending is clooose.
@PianolasonMars I’m just waiting for the next pages, keep it up!
@TalkSweet I’m interested by what you started, and I hope Alex will get some cool-ass cyborg legs! Also It would be great if we could have some more steampunk weaponry and tools in the intro. The grenade was cool and I wanted more.


Really appreciate your feedback, @Spica!


Hey @PianolasonMars, sorry for the short answer to your script, I know it’s unrewarding to work hard on some writing to get almost no feedback.
I’m kinda busy those times so I didn’t have that much time to write some real stuff and I’m sorry about that.

Hope you’re all having a great week!


Dude, that’s super thoughtful of you. At this stage, any response is helpful and encouraging. And I’m grateful that you’re taking the time to read my stuff. Your feedback is appreciated, always. :slight_smile:


Five new pages here.

Hope everyone is having a great week.


I am going to read Piano’s work TONIGHT and probably post comments tomorrow…but right now, I’m a little bit high on the fact that I just typed the words ‘THE END’.

There will be a last pass tomorrow before I throw it up, but this thing has effectively graduated from a partial script to a real live first draft!


Multiple likes from me, man. Is it too early to say congratulations?


Probably too early…yes…this thing is still a bit of a mess, but it’s absolutely proof of concept, and I actually like where it ended up. It seems to have a beginning, middle, and end, touches on a number of deeper subjects without distracting from the plot, and contains characters whose struggles are compelling and whose personalities are distinct. If this is worth a B+, I feel A+++ about it.

Here’s the first first draft of A Paladin’s Song



@PianolasonMars I have several new notes on your work, but we’ll get the broad stuff out of the way first: I like that your story has taken on a more singular focus. The beginning contained a lot of setups and world-building, but there was a certain lack of ‘where is this going’. Halfway through the script, we’ve got intrigue, betrayal, personal honor, team loyalty, and all the rest of the juicy stuff your story is really about. In draft 2, your first task is probably going to be to introduce some of these story elements earlier…but let’s keep writing draft 1 for now.

I took notes throughout my read, so we’ll go through one by one:

(1) The word ‘survivalist’ is a whopping four syllables, so it’s an awkward size for the dialog sometimes. I really like the name “Locust”, and I wish the home team had a name that’s more fun to say. It’s a nibbly little comment, but titles are more important than you sometimes realize.

(2) When you write that ‘locusts are crawling’ in the storage space, the statement is a little confusing. I’m not sure how you can easily differentiate between the human locusts who have guns and want to kill you and the little green locusts that chirp in the summer.

(3) Transitions! This is just a screenwriting carpentry note - you don’t have a lot of “CUT TO” or “DISSOLVE TO” notations between one scene and the next. Add in those transitions - they’re basically expected.

(4) When the Shaman is talking, the speech ends with “I want you to understand something: You’re not going to be healing the body. What we do has nothing to do with the flesh.” I think you should end the line there - that says more than any further explanation could offer.

(5) You’re using the word “sow” when you mean “sew”. Easy mistake to make, easy mistake to fix.

(6) Tell us the disposition of the battle when Doc wakes up. He’s knocked out in the middle of a fight, we don’t know what happens, and then we’re left to infer that the good guys won. You don’t have to devote too much time to it, but a couple of lines saying “What happened?” “Oh, we won” would patch that leak.

(7) I don’t think they should call their attack operation an ‘extermination crew’ - even if that’s the end goal of the attack. People have a way with euphemisms when they’re hell bent on doing something horrible. Something like a ‘defense squad’ or a ‘diplomatic mission’ would be a nice little spike of irony.

You’re over 50 pages! That’s half a screen play or an entire TV pilot!!! What else is there to say? The facts speak for themselves. Keep that writing up.


Dude, so I know it’s been a few days, but I wanted to say thanks a ton for providing such helpful feedback on my screenplay’s pages. I want you to know that I agree with much of what you’ve said, especially the part about “lot of world-building vs. where this is going.” That was a huge problem, and I think in my next screenplay I’m going to run with the idea that enough world-building can hopefully be accomplished through the progression of the plot.

As stated, all your feedback was great. Thanks for pointing out that I have absolutely nothing to confirm who won the shootout – what a silly thing to forget in hindsight! Also, I really like the euphemism idea (and I like what you said about humans having euphemisms when they’re doing something horrible; it’s totally true).

One thing I do disagree with is the statement about transitions. I understand they’re expected, but I’m not sure they’re necessary. Also, I feel like transitions are implied, depending on what’s happening in the scenes, and what the screenwriter chooses to focus on in the action lines. Lastly, I’ve chosen to more or less avoid them because they remind me that I’m reading a screenplay. They’re screenwriting jargon, and not critical to understanding or feeling the story, so why put them in? Unless they’re critical to understanding crucial emotional details, which occurs through the use of smash cuts, flashbacks, and a few others – I’d rather leave such transitions out (though that’s also a personal choice).

Thanks for the acknowledgment of being over 50 pages. I can’t believe I’ve written this much of something. I’ve just started a new job, which makes squeezing in a stable writing schedule that much harder. I’ve been waking up in the morning before work to get pages done. I’m exhausted at times, though I try to keep moving forward. Such acknowledgment and recurring feedback really helps. Thanks.

Comments on your final pages will be coming shortly. Again, congratulations on writing a beginning, middle, and end for Paladin - a complete story! How did it feel to finish? I hope you celebrated.

P.S. I was thinking about this - if you’re interested in getting additional feedback, I’d recommend posting your entire screenplay (why not?) on a separate thread for people outside this forum to read.


I definitely want to get a revised first draft for Paladin, but I’ll wait for feedback on the ending before I head into that swamp. For now, here is a very, very preliminary look at what’s around the corner with Yeshiva Gangster


I’m two weeks late but I’m here!

@PianolasonMars I like where your story is going. But I’m wondering if it hasn’t been a bit too long? It seems to really start now but it’s already 53 pages long. You may have to make it shorter on rewrite.
On another point I don’t think you have to add any CUT TO, it’s already obvious that we switch to another scene so it ok.

@Exquisite_Corpse I really loved the final fight! And also congrats for finishing the first draft!
You may make the reason of Fritz’s final transformation more obvious. Also the audience may want to have a better explanation of why Fritz and Myrin were linked together during the story.
I’m quite busy now (exams) so I can’t do it now, but I think I’ll read again the script next month so I can come back with some suggestions for the second draft.

I really liked the introduction of YG, and I think it would be better if it was a bit longer. Maybe put some obstacles in the way of the characters during the run so we can see how they react to problems?
Also Mel and Kallie were fun in that scene, loved it.

Keep writing!