I haven’t posted in this forum forever, although I’m glad a few members are still active. I really liked the friendly community on here. Facebook groups of indie filmmakers end up really toxic.
I’m David. I’m 19. I still live with my parents. My job is pushing shopping carts (and cleaning up the parking lot, which is slightly less dull then pushing shopping carts since I occasionally find weird stuff). Since I was 12, I was a very creative child. I loved writing prose, filmmaking, photography, anything where I could express myself and find an adventure.
After I turned 17, I became very depressed. I’m not sure why, but I started going through a deep existential crisis. I had so many questions about my purpose and the universe and God and whatnot, and yet my life just seemed so…boring and empty. I was homeschooled and homechurched. I was on the Autism spectrum. I felt pretty isolated and meaningless. I always wanted my life to be like the stories I read and watched and made. Something exciting and passionate…not dull.
Unfortunately, depression didn’t help me be creative, at all. I got so depressed I had a suicide attempt, and I sort of became a lifeless zombie, walking through life and numbed to pain.
This is so hard to write.
I did find some solace in some creative projects, like a film I directed called Dream Warrior. Directing that film was tough, stressful work and I was anxious that the project would fall apart any minute, but I was still glad I got to make it. There’s something so beautiful about watching a scene unfold before your eyes. A lot of my own struggles were reflected in the film, which I think helped a lot. It got stuck in post-production hell later, but at least it’s (almost) done.
I guess somewhere after directing Dream Warrior, things got worse for me. I didn’t have any projects that were really working at the time. I’d write books but the plot would go off the rails. The editor for Dream Warrior broke his arm and had to drop out. I was finishing my senior year of high school and adulthood was approaching. Not a single girl I liked liked me back. I just got a job as a cart-pusher and I was starting to realize how boring it was. Around this time was my suicide attempt, Yes, I was given therapy (not anymore) and medication after that. But…I really haven’t been the same person since. I’m sort of a shell of what I used to be.
I’ve been working on some creative projects. I’ve done a few “urban exploration” videos where me and some friends explore abandoned places (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE3qxi7qyTw <this is probably the best video if you’re interested). I recently finished a video essay on why YouTube is ruined. I’ve been trying to write a story I thought would be exciting to write but for some reason turned out dull. It’s just that with these projects…I’m just not really happy doing them. Occasionally, they can be a bit fun but I just don’t have the passion for much of anything anymore, even if it’s something I loved. I understand that the creative process is difficult, believe me I do. But I also believed it was very rewarding. The problem is…it’s not rewarding anymore. When I finish editing a video or writing a scene, what I usually feel is, “Okay, glad that’s over.” I might have a little bit of fun putting some stuff together but I just feel…numb. And honestly, creativity was one of my main reasons for living. It was one of my life’s greatest pursuits…and now I just do that stuff in fear that I’ll be working a job that will make me wanna kill myself for the rest of my life. Really. Pushing shopping carts gets to you after awhile. It just feels so stupid and meaningless, because you know when you get back there the next day, the parking lot will be full of carts again.
I’ve tried finding solace in God. I know not everyone here is religious, but it does help me. I think God has been giving me little signs of hope. But with all of the exhaustion and pain I feel, I wonder if this art I’m making–or even life itself, is really worth it anymore.
That’s all I’ve had to say, for now. I just needed to vomit my emotions somewhere that wasn’t on Facebook where all of my friends and family will start worrying about me.