Some Feedback on a short script I've written


#1

Hi everyone,

My name is Albert Guimerà and I am a film school student from Barcelona, Spain. Recently my classmates and I we were asked to write a short story for one of our classes. I came up with this and I’d just like some honest feedback on my work.

To that end, here’s a link to my script (which is only 4 pages long + cover + a blank page that Celt won’t allow me to delete) which I’ve translated into English.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1izoWpu7G21kTEmQIrNBuYZHYYkkv-cHP/view?usp=sharing

Thank you very much in advanced.


#2

I think it could be good, your protagonist had some clearly defined wants and obstacles and the plot is pretty sweet.
I do think his decision and doubt about recruiting his love interest to help him in his hour of need might undercut the traumatic situation and his more immediate desire to get help for his mom. It would be logical for him in that situation to just get the first person he can find and drag them to his mother. If you make her to actually be his closest neighbour that could solve a lot I think.

Maybe make his problem slightly more intense, especially when he’s stressing, just make him completely unable to talk when his mom comes into his room; to foreshadow his predicament with talking while stressed.

Maybe the people of this topic can give you some feedback as well:

@Spica @PianolasonMars @Exquisite_Corpse @aoshaw21


#3

Thank you very much @Jasper_Cloud!

The idea was that his crush’s house is the closest house available to him. Maybe it didn’t come across on the script but that is the idea.

I don’t know if when he hesitates about going to his crush’s house or going somewhere else (that’s just a bit further away) it makes him look like an d***. Your thoughts?

And thanks for reffering me to the writer’s group. Should I post the script there to see what they have to say about it?


#4

If you want it in the film you have to make it come across in the script. The scrip must be clear on how you want it.

I think he shouldn’t hesitate, I think it works better if in that moment he acts solely for his mother’s wellbeing. That makes more sense to me with his panic keeping him from calling the police propperly. I think it would make most sense with what I know of the character (and it would make him, as you put it, look like a dick.)

Sure you can post it there, the polite thing to do then would be to give some feedback on people’s scripts there.