What you guys think about this visual poem I made?


#1

Hey there!

So, tell me what you guys think about this video I made with a few college friends for a final class project. It’s about a poem that one of my friends wrote. I was the director and DP of the project.

I’ll leave y’all with the translation of the poem and the video.

Thanks! Love Y’all!

"I still remember the mellifluous whisper we gave on that tearful Saturday.

It was so ineffable to me, because you are someone so ethereal, so intangible;

our tacit serendipity flared up in spite of my limerence;

my closed eyes became iridescent

and my eloquence was frozen by emotion;

it was a breathe ephemeral,

that ended up being unfading."


#2

I liked it, had a really nice vibe. To me it feels like the poem and the video are still a bit far apart, they haven’t fully merged. But I think that’s just personal preference and anyway I liked it and that matters most.

It’s hard to critique something like this because it’s very subjective


#3

@GustavoRB16_02 Well… A little bit shaky but ok!


#4

I like the video much better than the poem to tell the truth. The poem feels stilted to me, like someone trying to use words they had to look up. I didn’t have to look up any of the words, but a large vocabulary is something best used sparingly, to have greater impact.

“Our tacit serendipity flared up in spite of my limerence?” Seriously? LOL!

Reading mellifluous, ineffable, ethereal, serendipity, limerence, iridescent (closed eyes?), elogquence, and ephemeral in one seven line poem feels like the literary equivalent of biting into a plastic prop fruit.

Oh, and “breathe,” in “It was a breathe ephemeral,” is a verb which does not fit the sentence, the author probably meant the noun breath. I did look that up just to be sure there wasn’t an obscure usage I had missed.

The video is excellent. Capturing subtle shades of emotion on video without words can be a challenge.

I hope that’s not too harsh toward the poet, but we are editors, and have to have opinions to do our work.

Cheers all!